Movie Roundup #7
1. The Mothman Prophecies: If anything important happened in the first minute of this movie I missed it because I screamed "Steve!!" and Kevin said "what??" and I said "it's Steve! From Sex and the City!" and Kevin said "oh" and then I repeated all his subsequent lines in his Steve accent. Richard Gere is married to Debra Messing who is nineteen years younger than him. She dies from a glowing red moth-shaped brain tumor, which is a little heavy-handed but I liked that Richard Gere's character uses cherry Chapstick because that's my favorite too. The scariest part of this movie is that some people will actually hold a rural cryptid responsible for a major tragedy like the Silver Bridge collapse, rather than the government's shameful inattention to infrastructure maintenance. Recommended for Twitter users who have hit their rate limit and don't have anything else to do.
2. Robin Hood, Men in Tights: This is a movie about how it was fine to be mean-spirited in the 90s and call it comedy as long as you were mean-spirited towards everybody. Cary Elwes's terrible middle part aged better than many of the jokes, and that is really saying something. However, I sometimes laughed very hard, such as when a guy put a giant Club on his horse at the horse valet. I am also grateful that this movie prompted me to look up the Wikipedia page for L'eggs because I never knew before that the double G in the logo was supposed to look like a pair of baby chickens.
3. Gattaca: This is a movie about exfoliation and the scientific fact that people become unrecognizable if you remove their glasses. There's also something weird going on about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, maybe. I was very grossed out by all the little hairs and skin flakes, which made me think not at all fondly of Goldmember. I'm not sure what to make of this movie but I think I liked it. I felt sorry for Vincent at the end because I remember what it was like having to wear the same pair of contact lenses for a whole year in the 90s. Favorite line: "You dreamin' of space? You can start by cleanin' that space right there!"
4. Logan's Run: It's the year 2274. Everyone lives within a shopping mall which is inside an elaborate train set. Bras have gone extinct and feathered layers are everywhere. Two people escape the mall and end up at the North Pole where they meet a yassified Tinman who is obsessed with eating keto. You definitely think the movie is almost over but it's not because they still have to meet Santa Claus who lives in the US capitol with the perfect amount of cats. Duncan Idaho is there too. This movie feels too long but it was SO WEIRD and I really loved it. Favorite line: "The naming of cats is a difficult matter. It's not just one of your holiday games!" So now I guess I need to watch Cats. Release the butthole cut!
Bonus: Robot Jox; or The Revenge of Althea Tibbs. A precursor to Pacific Rim, this movie combines two things that I love: the ham-fisted feminism of Joe Haldeman, and Anne-Marie Johnson. Gary Graham kisses Anne-Marie Johnson without her consent and she really whoops his ass, and I cheered because I saw what happened to Althea Tibbs in 1989 and have thought of it at least once a month since. I struggled to imagine how this movie spent its ten million dollar budget. Kevin says they probably spent most of it on robot puppetry and stop motion, but I'll tell you what they didn't spend a penny on and that's a dance belt for Gary Graham. This movie is alternately corny and profound, and I loved it. Favorite corny line: "It's clobberin' time!" Favorite profound line: "We always remain all the people we've been. The oldest man has a child inside him."
Bonus bonus from the Robot Jox special features: "How can you do - I mean, many people have - but how could you do a storyline about the future and have an all-white cast?" - Anne-Marie Johnson
NB: In the past ten days, we've heard the villain say "das vedanya" in 3 different movies: The Hunt for the Red October, Nobody, and Robot Jox. I think I'll start keeping count.