Movie Monday #13
1) Martin - I think at some point I knew this was a George Romero movie but I forgot and had somehow convinced myself it was going to be a campy Spanish horror comedy. Oops! Also, it's not in Spanish, the blu-ray we rented is just a Spanish version. Boy did I feel dumb. Anyway, this is a movie in English about a young man who wants his family to see him for who he really is - an ordinary long-lived serial murderer with a blood fetish, not a vampire. "It's not magic!" Martin keeps telling his cousin, but he is really looking suspiciously youthful at age 84. There is a really horrifying home invasion scene and some sexual violence that was hard to watch (but not gratuitous, I think). According to Kevin some chickens get their heads chopped off, but I didn't actually see that because as soon as it seemed like some chickens were gonna get their heads chopped off I covered my eyes and counted to ten. The pace is slow, so this movie feels longer than its 90-something minute runtime, but I didn't really mind it. It's weird and good and an interesting look at the interior life of a not-vampire trying to find his way in blighted small-town Pennsylvania, because most US horror is about economic anxiety. Recommended for horror fans!
2) The Martian - This is a movie about growing potatoes which I knew because I read about 100 pages of the novel, but I abandoned it because I had read Andy Weir's Project Hail Mary right beforehand, and those two books were intolerably samey for me. Crisis! Math! Another crisis! More math! Lightly seasoned with snark! My fault for trying to read them back-to-back, I guess. Anyway, I do like the premise of this story. Imagine being so alone that you don't even have a volleyball with a face painted in your own blood for company. Do you know what I also wonder? Was Matt Damon REALLY on Mars or was this all a fever dream? Because if he was REALLY on Mars, why did it sure seem like we were dealing with Earth gravity? Gravity on Mars is roughly 1/3 of Earth's so you decide what might really be going on here. Anyway, this movie lost me at the scene where Kristen Wiig is the only woman in the room AND the only one who doesn't get the Council of Elrond jokes AND THEN Chiwetel Ejiofor pokes her in the forehead with the clicky end of a pen?????? Lol women are such sticks in the mud lolol! Poke them in the face with a pen at work to help them develop a sense of humor! Whatever.
3) Romy and Michele's High School Reunion - In the 90s, there could be only one brunette in movies, and that was Janeane Garofalo. Thank goodness she was here, smoking and being angry on behalf of us all. Moving on, my favorite part of this movie is a tie between the outfits (oh 1990s, I'm honestly glad to see you again!) and Mira Sorvino's accent. This movie also contains perhaps the best line in all Western cinema: "I cut my foot before, and my shoe is filling up with blood.” Say that to any man you don't want to talk to; results guaranteed. This movie will make you want to eat Cool Ranch Doritos, so plan your viewing menu accordingly. Recommended!